Embracing Each Other: Relationship as Teacher, Healer and Guide

--Hal Stone and Sidra Winkelman

pp. 227-228:

"The fairy tale version of romantic love teaches that once one finds the right mate, there is a marriage and then the two live happily ever after. Somehow the relationship magically brings out the King or Queen in each of us; therefore, our task in life is to find the correct mate so that we can be truly ourselves. In contrast to this, many of us now have a real fear that we will lose ourselves if we "give in" to a relationship and make the adjustments that are necessary in order for it to work, that the changes demanded of us by relationship are a weakening or a lessening of who we are.

"Over the years, we have found, both in ourselves and others, that relationship presents us with constant challenges to growth. It is almost as if "I can't truly be me unless I'm with you." When we do not have ongoing intimate relationships, it is easier for the primary selves to arrange for a life that will suit them perfectly. It is easier to avoid our disowned selves, and, if everything is arranged well, we might even manage to avoid all direct contact with vulnerability. If we are clever and determined, life can be completely filled with work, learning, and play. Relationships can be pleasant but not important or demanding. We can live a life in which only the primary selves operate and all others remain "safely" disowned.

"If, however, you choose the path of relationship as teacher, there is constant movement. We wish to make it clear that we are not talking about just primary relationship, but about all relationships. In relationship, nothing stays still and nothing is predictable. Bondings take hold and must be examine. Each unbonding brings with it a deeper understanding of your many selves and an expanded awareness. Each conflict or confrontation will invite you to look in the mirror and to recognize what you see there. More and more must be taken within and integrated as less and less can be projected out onto others. Thus, it is in the daily interactions of relationship that you will have been brought face to face with your selves. You will find out repeatedly, and in a most direct fashion, that you are not what you thought you were. In relationship, there are two "consciousnesses" available to process what is happening to each person individually. This, we feel, pushes each of us to keep moving along our individual evolutionary paths and brings us ever closer to who we truly are."

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