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Alternative Culture Magazine

Power Résumés for the Contemplative

by Fred Sengmueller


Below are a few sample résumés of clients whose personalities our career psychologists assessed as "contemplative-introverted." All had experienced the stigma of long-term unemployment with its attendant loss of self-esteem. In many cases they had come to feel they were literally unemployable. After only a few sessions with the Power Résumé Clinic they were able to sharpen their résumé writing skills and land dynamite interviews!

Résumé 1

Charles Bukowski

5124 DeLongpre Ave.
LA California

Objective: to find a job

Summary: Dynamic self-starter. I have shown a consistent ability to get up in the morning.

Relevant skills: Speaks English. Good written skills.

Work experience:

Production associate dog biscuit factory (efficiently implemented management practices in the manufacture of canine nutritional products)

Hygienic engineer in various private and public establishments (night shift). My duties consisted in disposing of waste, ensuring the cleanliness of surfaces such as tiles, floors and walls, preparation of public conveniences (crappers, asswipe) for daytime use

Self-employed wagerer and wagering consultant (Santa Anita and Hollywood Park)

Distribution agent for US Postal service. Assisted in coordinating the distribution of postal artifacts to public consumers

Interests: Classical music, sporting events, wine, sex.

Résumé 2

Henry David Thoreau

Walden Pond

Concord, Massachusetts

Objective: to suck the marrow of life

Summary: critical thinker, creative problem solver

Relevant skills: skilled at visually estimating the size of trees, depth and extent of ponds and rivers, airline distance of summits. Vast knowledge of New England flora and fauna. Excellent walker.

Education: Harvard

Work experience:

pencil grinder (both self -employed and in family business)

self-employed surveyor

author (self-published)


Interests: transcendentalism, hiking, gardening

References: R.W. Emerson, Concord

Résumé 3

Siddhartha "Syd" Sakyamuni

Bodhgaya, India


Summary: Highly motivated. Ability to focus mentally on problems.

Relevant Skills: Effective public speaker. In addition to this I am good at sitting, fasting waiting.

Equity Employment: I declare that I am a member of a visible minority.

Education: memorized the Vedas at an early age

Work experience:

Prince of the Sakyamuni clan. Light administrative duties.

Yoga Instructor

Coordinated and implemented the creation of a highly successful non-profit religious movement. Organized and supervised effective fundraising techniques for members.

In my innumerable past lives I have acquired the skills of countless professions and trades - all of which I am in the position to recall.

Languages: Working knowledge of a number of North Indian dialects of the sixth century B.C. Especially fluent in Pali (though I generally prefer oral to written interaction.)

Interests: Vegetarian cooking

References: H. Hesse, Prof. Robert Thurman (Columbia University). D. Lama (Dharamsala, India)

Résumé 4

James Joyce

Dublin, Trieste, Zurich, Paris

Objective: to use my expressive skills in a media/arts related environment, or that failing, to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race

Summary: Effective copywriter, detail oriented editor, highly developed linguistic abilities. Some experience in TESOL

Work experience:

1905 - Customer care associate Banca Nast-Kolb e Schumacher Rome, Italy

1907-1914 conducted private ESL conversations thrice weekly with Ettore Schmitz and family, Trieste.

ESL instructor Scuola Berlitz, Trieste

Recipient of numerous grants

Languages spoken: English, French, Italian, German, Norwegian, Latin, Greek, some Provençal.

References: picassopoundsteincocteauhemingwaystravinskyproustdiaghelevgidematisseelliotyeatsbeckettwoolf

further references available upon request

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